In Awe of His Light

Grief is a strange process. A deep overwhelming sorrow that sometimes consumes you. I made a conscious effort after we learned about our baby’s HLHS diagnosis to not let grief encompass this pregnancy. Daisy and Della have without a doubt helped hold me accountable to that, but so has my husband Corey. Lots of lessons have been learned over the course of the past few months, ironically enough I feel our life changing for the better.

I was doing photography full time and also staying home raising the girls before we were struck with the news. When we found out I canceled most of my remaining sessions, finished editing and took a little photo hiatus. The past few months have been so refreshing, my house is the most organized/clean it’s been in a hot minute. I feel like I have so much more energy and patience for the girls, nonetheless making it easier to be a “yes mom”. It’s kind of crazy but I didn’t realize the toll my job was taking on me, oftentimes making me feel as though I was drowning. I have done a few sessions for family the past few weeks and played with documenting my bump. It's been therapeutic to find a rejuvenated sense of creativity. To say a break and reset was needed is an understatement. This is by no means an announcement of me retiring from photography! However, it has been a reality check that after the baby girl arrives I have to make some major shifts to avoid “burnout” and still allow myself the grace to be a good mama and photographer. Essentially changing how I run my business upon return will be better for me, my family and better for my wonderful clients.

I would never in a million years wish a life altering medical diagnosis on anyone but it did give our family a wake-up call. God shines his light on all of us, but we are often too busy and consumed to notice. It’s beautiful how awareness of his presence in your day to day life can shift your whole perspective. In the past few months I have been in awe of his works and also regretful about the way I was going about my life. Is it insane to admit though I’ve had my worries I have also felt a strange sense of peace lately? I fully attest that to my faith and trust that he will continue to wrap his arms around us as we are tested in the coming months. When I looked at myself in the mirror while pregnant the first two times I certainly didn’t look with the adoring appreciation and wonderment as I do now. I’m beyond grateful for this opportunity to raise one more baby even though it’s been flagged with hardship. A few weeks ago in church our priest was talking about how all the individual ingredients when you bake a cake are pretty terrible when eaten by themselves, but when you put them all together it creates something beautiful. I felt like he was talking to Corey and I and letting us know though this one defect on our baby's heart is pretty terrible by itself, but all the other things that will make our baby “her” will be a beautiful miracle graced by the lord himself.

Don’t get me wrong I have my hard days where it hits me like a weight of bricks and the natural stressors can feel consuming. However I’m proud to say we have had much more good days than bad which I will always take as a win! At bedtime routine every night we read, pray, snuggle and leave the room saying “1,2,3 Win the Day!” We are firm believers in manifesting “goodness” and seeing results! I actually ran into a mom the other day at Target who has an incredible faith base. I told her we were manifesting everything to be good, and she said “yes absolutely, believe and you shall receive!”

Daisy, our oldest, has really blossomed in the last few months. I’ve seen a sillier, yet more mature side of her. I’m not sure if that's the positive side effects of Kindergarten or if it’s my own sense of intentional recognition as I’ve made a cognitive effort to soak up all the moments I can with the girls before I leave. Last week her sweet teacher sent me an email about what they worked on in class. They had to write about a “promise” and draw a picture. Daisy wrote “I promise I’ll be ok when my mom goes to Denver.” She illustrated a picture of me in Denver holding our new baby girl outside the hospital. That tugged on my ole heart strings like you wouldn’t believe. One, I am so proud of how brave she’s already being, but on the other hand it hurt my heart that she and Della will be affected one way or another by all of this. Since the day Corey and I were given the HLHS diagnosis we have been so worried about our “big girls”. I believe to my core they will really be fine, but I also am not naive to the fact that it will take some toll on them.

I am about 34 weeks along and am starting to prepare for relocation in Colorado! I have to be in Denver at about 37 weeks, the days are going by too fast! We’ve spent the last few weeks moving the big girls to their new room and preparing the nursery so it’s ready when we get home! Between friends and family lending hands to help me finish all my “home projects”, spoil me and just genuinely shed love on us I have been so touched. Corey and I are truly so blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing tribe of people.

All in all I feel we have so much hope and are going to continue to hang onto our faith to get us through. Thank you to everyone who has followed along and kept us in your prayers. I met with a fellow heart mama this past week and she wrote me a beautiful letter which she ended with this verse; “she is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.” Proverbs 31:25 (I will have to share more about that beautiful experience in another post..)

And if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I’m hoping this blog will serve as a good tool to keep everyone updated and maybe even over informed on our personal journey